101 Ways to Sabotage a Deatheater meeting
by siriuslegolasmad
Summary: The title says it all...


**101 ways to sabotage a Deatheater meeting**

**_Just to let you know that some of these ideas are a little x-rated. Generally not suited for "nice" people, but more for people who like a little dirty humour and being generally mean..._**

1. Tape your nose down, don a bald cap, billowing black robes, affect a lisp and paint yourself grey in order to impersonate the Dark Lord. Once this is achieved and you have infiltrated the meeting you can get your Deatheaters to do just about anything. Just hope the real Lord Voldy doesn't show up.

2. Put a mirror in front of Luscious – I mean – Lucius Malfoy and while he is flirting with himself, steal his Deatheater get-up. As one of Voldy's inner circle you can also do just about anything. This could also be done with either of the Bellatrix Lestrange, her husband Rodolphus and brother-in-law Rabastan, Antonin Dolohov and Yaxley. It is not advisable to use Severus Snape as he has no reflection…

3. Alternative to No.2 – Place the mirror in front of Lord Voldemort and make sure there's either a bottle of spray-polish and a duster or head-wax to hand. He'll spend hours making that pallid pate gleam!

4. Slip into a brilliant-green body-sock, hiss a bit and seduce the Dark Lord into stopping the war for your snakey favours. Caution: Nagini may get jealous and bite you.

5. Alternative to No.4 – Bribe someone into doing it for a stupid amount of money – it isn't likely you'll have to pay them as they won't survive once Voldy gets beneath the scales.

6. Alternative to No.5 – Use the Imperius on someone you dislike to do it for you. If death follows, you still win.

7. Bribe the Deatheater Caterers to add some 'special sauce' (rat poison, bug-killer, bleach, paint stripper, car wax, unrefined oil, cyanide etc) to the buffet table/drink of the moment.

8. Alternative to No.7 – Blackmail the Deatheater Caterers to do this.

9. Alternative to No.8 – Assassinate the Deatheater Caterers and do it yourself. Note: not advisable if you cannot actually cook, the food is supposed to look appetising in order that they might eat it.

10. Steal all the shampoo and conditioner in the Deatheater after-meeting showers.

11. Polish the floor in the showers or actual meeting room to being so shiny that health and safety regulators would have a heart attack and die. This would see all Deatheaters in the St. Mungos' A and E.

12. Connect the shower water supply to a nearby sewage main.

13. Alternative to No.12 – Connect the shower water to an oil tanker, chemical waste tanker, or other foul/viscous liquid.

14. Alternative to No.13 – If no such materials are available ensure you drop a spanner in the heating mechanism so the showers produce freezing cold water. Nasty shock for a pampered Deatheater.

15. Kidnap Nagini and hold her to ransom.

16. Alternative to No.15 – After Kidnapping Nagini, employ an Oriental chef to slice 'n' dice. Serve up to Voldemort or his Deatheaters and only tell him what it is after he has finished.

17. Kidnap Draco Malfoy, drop him in a vat of snake-perfume, dry him off at arms length and dress him in a pair of leather hotpants, collar and lead set. Once this is achieved, push him into the centre of the collected Deatheaters and run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Note: A pair of ear and nose plugs, goggles and rubber gloves are advisable to remain in keeping with Saboteurs' Health and Safety Regulations 2008.

18. Kidnap Harry Potter and drop him in the middle of the meeting. Wandless.

19. Steal a Horcrux and taunt Lord Voldemort with it, threatening to drop it in a vat of acid/a big fire/volcano if he continues to be a big meany.

20. Alternative to No.19 – If you cannot acquire a Horcrux, obtain a replica from Borgin and Burkes in Knockturn Alley for 6 sickles and 2 knuts. Now on special offer!

21. 'Bug' an unsuspecting informant of the inner circle. The mirror tactic in No.2 may be good here. Once the meeting has begun you should be able to hear everything or else have everything on tape as evidence. Hand it over to the people who would make most use of it, sit back and watch the fireworks.

22. Alternative to No.21 – Make a copy of the information and then blackmail Voldy to get it back. Once the money has transferred to your bank account, don't forget to give the copy to the Order. Note: You may need to up your life insurance at this part because you may suddenly become prime target for the Dark Side.

23. Train in Ninja and stealth-mode into a meeting, using your death stars and katanas to wreak havoc.

24. Pay a sniper to shoot Voldemort a few times. You can get some good deals on Google or Alternative to No.24 – Buy a gun and telescopic sight, find a high vantage point and shoot him yourself.

26. Alternative to No.25 – Other boomsticks you may wish to use and have a far longer (and therefore safer) range, these include mortars, missile launchers and canons. Of course, it is entirely dependant on your budget.

27. Make your own smoke/stink bomb to lob into the meeting. Instructions available in the book "Anarchy and You" by Eylyk A. Bomms. Not advisable if you have a tendency to break things.

28. Contact the Iraqi Army and tell them you are a member of the Taliban in need of explosives. Wait three days for airmail deliveries and follow the instructions closely. They usually come in several languages, the one you need is labelled GB and even an idiot could follow them. It is recommended that you are not wearing the explosives when they are detonated. You may want to find something to strap it to or else use a large box with a big pink ribbon.

29. Alternative to No.28 – Contact the British Army and tell them the location of the meeting and tell them it is a Terrorist covenant. Best for subtle removal of the Deatheaters.

30. Alternative to No.29 – Contact the American Army and tell them to bomb that spot. After the smoke has cleared and there is a huge-ass crater left behind the size of a small city, you can then tell them why they had to bomb it. This is because they prefer to shoot first, ask questions when everyone's dead.

31. Alternative to No.30 – Contact any military personnel and suggest they use the sight for target practice as it is entirely deserted…

32. Alternative to No.31 – Create your own bombs. Be warned, this may result in your premature death.

33. Arrive at the Meeting Site under the guise of an ice cream van playing "Pop Goes the Weasel". Other tunes that may take your fancy include "All Around the Mulberry Bush", "Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree" and the "Darth Vader Theme Tune". Once here, say your freezer has broken and so must give out free ice cream. Ensure this ice cream is either several years out of date, laced with poison or small bombs triggered when the chocolate flake is bitten.

34. Alternative Disguises to No.33 - A Pizza/Chinese/Indian Delivery person with a hoard of food for a "Mr. Malfoy to celebrate the Birthday of his Beloved Voldewolde", then get him to pay for them. We at the Saboteurs Guild suggest poison for the above foods.

35. Hire a Sleigh and Reindeer and dress as Santa Claus. Voldemort has plenty of socks and a Barbie is a sure fire winner with Lucius Malfoy.

36. Kidnap Cupid and steal his bow and love-arrows. Fire a few at random into the circle of deatheaters.

37. Send the Easter Bunny in to leave them a few Egg Bombs. Why a Rabbit is giving out eggs, we have not yet decided…

38. Transport Barney the Dinosaur to England to come and entertain the Deatheaters. May be advisable to wear ear muffs.

39. Claim to be Voldemort's long-lost pureblood half-sister/brother.

40. Dress up as Merlin and act like a crazy old man, smacking a few over the head with your magic staff.

41. Don a Teddy-Bear costume…speaks for itself, Deatheaters love teddies.

42. Steal a Dalek outfit from the Doctor Who Studios and roll around after them going "Exterminate" (other alternatives you may like to try include "Which way to the Post Office" and "Give us a hug"). Negatives to this – Barty Crouch Jnr may whip out his screwdriver and disarm you.

43. Persuade John Barrowman that Lucius Malfoy fancies him, then transport him to the Deatheaters.

44. Alternative to No.43 – Drug any annoying camp guy with Viagra and drop into the midst of the Deatheaters.

45. Apparate into the centre of the Deatheaters, shout a phrase or degrading statement and quickly apparate out. Some suggested torments include: profuse raspberry blowing, sticking out of tongues, pulling funny faces, and shouting any of the following. "Voldemort likes Snake Porn", "Bella is fat", "Lucius is a Girl" and "Bother, bother, bother, bother…" in a high pitched voice. This will cause all assembled to fire into the centre of the gathering, hitting each other or creating an explosion of great volume. Not recommended for witches and wizards recently passing their test nor for those likely to splice themselves.

46. Alternative to No.45 – For those who can get away with it e.g. Aurors, apparate into the centre of the meeting and fire an Avada at someone, re-apparate on the opposite side and repeat several times before apparating home. Try and make this a random series of apparitions as Deatheaters will spot a pattern.

47. Alternative to No.46 – For those that can't get away with the unforgivables, apparate into the centre and fire off some nasty curses, including "wingardium leviosa" aimed at Voldemort's…and "Sunshine, Daisies, Butter Mellow, Turn this Stupid Fat Rat YELLOW!" – all are guaranteed to have a horrifying effect…

48. Hire a bus-load of strippers to 'rehearse' in that spot. Take photos for incriminating evidence and later blackmailery.

49. If you cannot afford strippers, sprint through them in the buff.

50. Hire Jeremy Clarkson to drive a car through the middle of them to test how many he can hit with his bull-bars.

51. Before the meeting begins, set up two walls of speakers (50 per wall is recommended) and a lorry-sized generator to power them. When they arrive, slam on a CD at full volume. The Saboteurs Guild recommend something highpitched (opera) or with floor-quaking bass (dance/electronica or heavy metal).

52. Alternative to No.51 – Other sounds you may wish to try are recorded "Speak French" Tapes.

53. If you have the money and means to do so, you could employ Meatloaf to scream out a few power notes, or maybe serenade Snape with his "Bat Out of Hell".

54. Hire a tattoo artist to offer free tattoos to the assembled, ensuring the ink contains a heavy sedative.

55. Bribe Ollivander to provide the Deatheaters with new wands, the cores of which are rigged with explosives. These will detonate anywhere between the 1st and 16th spell.

56. Alternative to No.55 – Replace all Deatheater wands with Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes patented Joke Wands.

57. Alternative to No.56 – Replace all Deatheater wands with sticks.

58. Rig the lights to fail then, when the room is in darkness, cast Capillis Veneris at as many people as you can and get out of there quickly, taking a vantage point where you can watch the fun roll as Bella realises she has grown a "male appendage"

59. Transfigure a number of Deatheaters into cats and mice and watch the carnage.

60. Transfigure all of the Deatheaters into cats then mail Filch a flyer saying "Free pussys here!". This speaks for itself.

61. If it has snowed or has been frosty, wait for the Gritters to go past salting the road, then after stealing a lot and scattering it around the location of the meeting, transfigure the Deatheaters into slugs and snails…

62. When Voldemort says a certain phrase or word, hit the Deatheater next to you in a game of "punch no return" and watch the Deatheater get slowly more irate with you or the said person you have imperiused to do this foolhardy task.

63. Imperius three Deatheaters into playing 'Bogeys' or else get a few mates to help you out on this.

64. Magically strip all the Deatheaters of all clothing… and finally reveal the hidden opening to Voldy's sex dungeon… It may be advisable to blindfold you and your cohorts. Earplugs are also available in packs of two from Employ Leona Lewis to scream out a few ear-splitting shrieks. See also No. 53.

66. Send Voldemort and his inner circle anthrax. Please take care in the handling of this substance and please refrain from sniffing it.

67. Brainwash Snape into thinking that he is a monkey and Voldemort is a banana. This may also work with Dogs and Bones, Mice and Cheese, Horse and Hay. If your first test goes well, you may like to add a few other Deatheaters into the mix.

68. Give Bella the female form of viagra and watch her attempt to shag everything in sight.

69. (AN: Dirty snigger at the number) Well, in keeping with numerical association, we would like to suggest that you push over Lucius so he is on his back, then from the opposite direction shove Snape / a Lestrange Brother / Dolohov/ Macnair (ooo hairy…no underwear…piercings etc.) / Draco (you know, whatever floats your boat) and use a sticking charm to keep them just so. You may also like to use a spell beforehand to strip them off entirely but I won't be held responsible for polluting innocent minds…

70. Wheel in a projector and slam on a top-notch porn, direct from the camera of Dobby – "LIVE: In The Malfoys!" _starring Severus Snape, Hung House-elf and Narcissa Malfoy with cameo's from Startled Son and Saucy Serving Wench._

71. Dress as Legolas / Haldir / Generally Sexy Blonde Elf and pretend to be a long-lost Malfoy family member, going on and on about the One Ring and how it can give its owner infinite power. If Voldemort decides he wants this ring, take him on a one-way trip to mount doom and accidentally on purpose trip him over…

72. Alternative to No. 71 – Use this infiltration to learn lots of Deatheater plans and pass info onto the Order. See also No. 33-35 and No. 21-22.

73. Hex an old curtain to chase after and hunt Regulus Black or Bellatrix Lestrange so they know the general fear of being attacked by old drapery! pats Sirius on shoulder Yes, Sirius, we know you were attacked and defeated by a curtain…

74. Steal a number of Blast Ended Skrewts from Hagrid's hut and release them in the location of the Deatheater meeting.

75. Allow Buckbeak to get even with Macnair…

76. Hire Sweeney Todd aka Johnny Depp to come and give all the Deatheaters a pampering session. Advised to leave straight away if you are male, as he is known to kill anything that annoys him or has the knowledge of what it is he does.

77. Alternative to No. 76, if Mr. Todd isn't available ask Mrs. Lovett to bake a few celebratory pies for how well Voldemort is doing, depending on how nasty you are, and I am trusting you are nasty, deciding on whether you give them the pies before business is doing well or after…

78. Hypnotise Voldemort so that when someone coughs, he pretends to be a chicken, arm motions and clucking noises and everything. When someone coughs again, he goes back to normal, getting steadily more irate as the Deatheaters find it more and more amusing, eventually losing his temper and killing/torturing a number of them.

79. Leave a box of orphaned puppies at the site of the meeting. We suggest you ask a child of 8 or less (if possible) to write "Free To Deatheaters" in oversized, child's handwriting to increase the cute factor. They will be so distracted with the puppies that they won't notice you beating the crap out of Voldy.

80. Steal Lucius' ribbon collection and throw them throughout the location, attaching a few to allotted Deatheaters so he loses it and begins to beat them all senseless, including Voldy. If you attach a ribbon to Voldemort, we suggest you get a little creative of the location of said ribbon… I mean, how much hair does a bald snake-man have…

81. In terms of Sev: "Tie a Ribbon Round My Candycane!" _"Emmy's Christmas Gift" Neil Cicerega – if you haven't seen this or the Potter Puppet Pals you are deprived and henceforth COMMANDED to watch them…ALL of them._

82. Set free a battle commandment of rabid squirrels. It may be advisable to transfigure the Deatheaters into acorns or other nutty-things…

83. Host a Deatheater Beauty Pageant. We suggest hiring many camera men or else let all rabid fan-girls loose on the area.

84. Dress all the Deatheaters as Rodeo Cowboys or Ranchers and invite Ennis Delmar and Jack Twist to sample the delights of New English Mexico. (_"You been to Mexico Jack Twist? I know what they got for guys like you down Mexico!")_

85. Borrow a few giants from Hagrid (he hides them in his hut, just add water!) and allow them to rampage around the meeting. It may be advisiable for you to be a loooong way away from this, as it is likely you won't have fed them…

86. Drop Frodo and Sam into the middle (Sam is thus armed with a few Frying Pans) using latest teleportation technology. Available on loan from Starship Enterprise for low low prices! Limited time only!

87. Leave a few copies of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet just casually lying around…

88. Rearrange the location of the Deatheater meeting to the forbidden forest in the middle of an Acromantula nest. We all know that _every_ Deatheater is afraid of spiders. Even Greyback.

89. (AN: In honour of the year we were born) Get Boy George on loan from the Raving-Pooftas-Institute-Of-Washed-Out-80's-Comebacks and…and…well…leave him at the meeting.

90. Alternative to No. 89 – You may wish to use the fish-lipped Pete (Petra?) Burns in place of Boy George…Don't forget Lucius' Ribbons!!

91. (AN: For the first year Harry went to Hogwarts) Use Veritaserum to find out _exactly_ why Voldemort is scared of Dumbledude…(J.K said he was gay, right?) (AN: we personally have nothing against homosexuals. Love slash!)

92. (AN: For the Chamber of Secrets) Well…if we take No. 70 into account, I am sure Dobby would have something you could use in place of "LIVE: In The Malfoys!" – ask him for "Hairy Poofta and the Chamber of Secrets" – great..erm…film…yes…film.

93. (AN: HP3 and Siwwie-kins) Wheel in a few tonnes of KFC Chicken Legs. Sirius' favourite and Oh So Fattening! (_Lucius: "Oh Merlin! Look at the size of these thighs!")_

94. Projected video of Draco Malfoy dancing to "Barbie Girl" or "Skater Boy" in a looooovely cheerleading outfit.

95. Alternative to No. 94 – play the youtube video "Lucius Dances" – best pixel animation ever…ON REPEAT.

96. Go around telling different Deatheaters that they smell. They'll be so paranoid by the end of the meeting they won't remember what they were ordered to do in the first place.

(only 5 left)

97. Invite Louis Du Pont Du Lac (Interview with a Vampire) to come and moan to Agony Aunt Voldy about how depressing immortality is. Voldemort will very quickly destroy his own Horcruxes and commit suicide.

98. "Borrow" an anti- gravity chamber and place the Deatheaters within it, blocking off the entrance and not allowing them to get out of it.

99. Buy a nipple vice which has a brain manipulation device attatched so he decide it's a bad idea to kill people and becomes a hippy. Then, attach to Voldemort while he is sleeping with Nagini.

100. Hire a stable-master to give free pony-rides to all Deatheaters wearing pink. Watch how quickly they change their robes into their Sunday-best. Yes – these are pink.

101. Root out all of the baby photos of Lord Voldemort when he was Tom Riddle, have them enlarged to bill-boards, flyers, posters and wallet-sized prints and scatter them everywhere as free Deatheater Merchandise. Perhaps you would like to hold an auction to sell off Voldemort highly prized "Blankey" (Baby Blanket) and Rattle. Other things you may like to include, his private diary – the one you _don't_ know about and Tom Riddle "_The spotty 13 year old". _Note: take all proceeds for yourself. You deserve it. Well done!

(AN: Please review and tell us which was your favourite and why. Thanks for reading! Written for your appreciation by Siriuslegolasmad and Demensha.)


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